Before I share my story, I first like to say that I am huge proponent for mental wellness and seeking professional help and treatment. In another post, I shared about my experience working with psychiatrists. I found relief through talk therapy and taking mood stabilizers. I also shared my negative experience with discontinuing medication and the problems it caused. I am not a medical professional or a doctor, and this post should not be taken as medical advice. I’m just sharing my personal experience, views, and journey.
As such here is my Disclaimer:
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and this post should not be considered medical advice. Please consult with a physician or other healthcare professional regarding any medical or health related diagnosis or treatment option.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 18 years old. I found some success with conventional treatments. Eventually, I became dissatisfied with the side effects. Based on my options at the time, I decided to discontinue treatment altogether. I share my story in a previous post.
This was actually the second time I discontinued treatment. The first time landed me an appointment with the doctor prescribing more mood stabilizers. This time was different. I managed to live a positive life for 15 years without the aid of medication. I wish I could say it was smooth sailing and I never had any episodes after that as it would make for a great story, but life isn’t always that clear cut. I will say that I consider myself very blessed and I have healthy relationships and find fulfillment in life with my career and in my personal life.
It was a tough decision. One that I made in private. I was afraid to tell my doctor for feat that he would talk me out of my decision. I also feared the repercussions of discontinuing treatment. Would my decisions hurt or cause injury to myself or others? Was it unethical or morally wrong for me to discontinue treatment and search for my own path and solutions? Was that selfish of me? Was I even mentally competent enough to make that decision? Or was discontinuing treatment a result of poor judgement, lack of inhibition or a symptom of mania that you see over and over again with people with mental disorders like myself?
A quote by Kanye West who deals with mental disorders sums it up perfectly,
The thing about being called crazy, or be considered crazy… the biggest stigma that has to be broken, is that you instantly get written off. Like you don’t know what you’re talking about
Kanye West
I felt like I’d lost my voice. I don’t know if it’s the “problem of Qualia” or the “problem of other minds” but I felt disconnected. I could not express how I felt when I was on medication. It just felt off. From the outsider’s point of view, it was working as intended. I did not have impulses and could behave within societal norms. I felt something was off. I expressed concern. My concern was dismissed or as Kanye put it “written off.” like I don’t know what I was talking about because I had a mood disorder.
There lies the problem. Medical professionals determine the neurological processes is happening based on observation, but they could never truly know what the subjective experience feels like. The problem of qualia or the problem of other minds.
I felt off. I experienced side effects. Many times I wondered if it was side effects of the medication, mental disorder, negative thoughts, or something else altogether. All I knew is that I was willing to go a different direction with how to manage my mind and emotions. After I prayed about it, I discontinued the medication. I felt at peace. In time, I felt free. I continued to practice what I learned through therapy about getting enough rest, managing stress, communication, and social life. For the most part, it seemed like life was back to “normal.” I went back and forth on whether I truly recovered or was healed, like I was in some sort of remission. Kind of like cancer patients that are remission. They aren’t considered cured until after 5 years of being cancer-free. For me, subconsciously I feared a relapse of depression or mania.
I learned to focus on other things. My family went through a financial hardship in 2007. I returned home from school and started to work. I started my first business. My father was in between work, so most of the financial burden was on me. I didn’t realize the stress I was under because I enjoyed my work. I was passionate about my work. My family knew I stopped my medication. In time, I did experience some episodes. There weren’t as frequent or intense as my episodes in year prior, but they were there none the less. My brother and father recognized them immediately. I didn’t realize what I was doing, and when it was brought up, I’d lash out in self-defense. The truth was I knew there was an issue, I just didn’t know how to address it. My family meant well but I mistook their sympathy and concern as a personal attack on the decisions I made. Some days were great, and other days I wondered if I was mentally well.
My business was my emotional outlet. I diverted my anger towards competitors. Earning more profits brought me joy. I had a lot of insecurity and an inferior complex from dropping out of school and being told that my ideas of business wouldn’t work. It drove me to succeed. I thought that I had to prove that I was successful and that I was right. In 6 months I was able to break even, and soon after I was making over $10,000 a month, all before I turned 21. I soon found personal development as away to think differently. I’d stop going to therapy by then, but I learned a lot of great ideas through seminars. Ideas that gave me a positive outlook in life, but soon enough I felt lost and empty. There was some despair on frustration. Even though it seemed like I was moving forward, I felt unhappy with my career. I continued to direct my anger towards competitors and I acted out professionally. My actions were attributed to my young age and immaturity, but it really had to do with my mood and how I expressed my emotions. I knew there was unresolved trauma that I didn’t go through in therapy. Some exercises in seminars shown some light. I hit a spiritual cross road. The personal development seminars I attended employed New Age techniques that conflicted with my Christian values and theology. It’s been years since I regularly went to church. I was going on again off again. What started off as strong relationship with God with lots of prayer with Christ being in the center of my life, ended up with me at the center of my life.
Personal development seminars often focused on my own desires and how to manifest them. Somehow, it made me feel further and further away from God, others, and my purpose. I knew I had to resolve some issues in my life. I almost signed up for a new age healing seminar. During that time it seemed like new age people would pop up in my life wherever I went. I had people come to my store or on the sit next to me on the plane, that would tell me my fortune. It was a spiritual battle. I decided that I wanted to find a solution that lined up with my Christian faith. I grew up attending a conservative christian church, Calvary Chapel. I attended a conservative christian high school, Hawaii Baptist Academy. I was taught that God is the foundation and that the Bible was God’s Word and I believe in sola scriptura, that the Bible serves serves as a source of authority for my faith. I was determined to find answers and solutions to heal so I attended many different churches, often going back to scripture to keep me on track. I looked for ways to improve my physical health, but my priority at the time was to look for some spiritual healing, something to help my mind, body, and soul.
At first it didn’t seem like I was getting anywhere, but eventually I made progress and was able to deal with many of the issues I had.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or registered dietician. I do not claim to help cure any condition or disease. I do not provide medical aid or nutrition advise for the purpose of health or disease.
The information I provide is based on my personal experience and is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical treatment by a health care professional. Information provided here does not take the place of professional medical advice.
The products and claims made about specific products and services on or through this site have not been evaluated by the United States Food and Drug Administration and are not approved to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent disease.
-Holan
